McDonald and Advice

First consume these if you haven't:




http://www.paperwingspodcast.com/2012/05/brian-mcdonald/

Anyway, I showed the script to my sister. I got some pretty interesting advice but the thing she most protested over was the end. She was like, and I'm really paraphrasing here: "That's it? that's the end? noooo....what? are you guys done? what? really? what? awww...that's just lazy! finish it!"

She said it was actually interesting and liked it up until the end. She said she felt the end was like the middle, like the dark before the light. I asked her..."do you want a happy ending" and she said "...well, yeah!". Her husband was also there and she basically explained the the story to him and it was kinda funny to hear someone else tell the story without having the "deep" understanding we kinda have.

I noticed though a lot of what she explained was what the story was [a]bout and not what the story was [A]bout, so she started with, it's about this boy who wants to go to the moon...etc. She then said something like "I dunno, you guys should maybe have a message, like a theme", she and her husband actually started giving ideas for "morals" and it was actually varied like "you need to have patience" "sometimes you can't do it by yourself and you need help" and stuff very similar to that, which I think is very close to our "original": "is it worth investing in others".

Those other "morals" they suggested I think actually do all have to do with our "original" because those are the things that come up when you ponder that theme.

My brother-in-law actually suggested something along the lines of maybe they DO go to the moon. That after he falls and she finds him, they're on the roof and TOGETHER, (investing in each other) they make it, they go to the moon.

He said, "maybe they don't actually go to the moon, because that would be too cheesy, but something like that." My sister quickly interjected, "but she's moving!" to which he quickly replied "so what, that's the point of the story, to get to the moon, so what, that's like-" he then flapped his hand in the air as if shooing the non-important point.

To which I agree! to an extent. Remember what McDonald says about how if you have a problem in the third act, it's because you have one in the first. I don't think we have a problem in the first. My sister even while reading it said "no wait, this is getting interesting, I want to see what's going to happen".

I think the third act is the problem if there is a "problem". I think by not "getting to the moon" we may be betraying our audience. The story, we know, isn't about getting to the moon, it's exploring that duality between investing in ourselves or others and this story about a child and his want to get to the moon for the love of someone else is just a vehicle.

I think we need to think more about our "main throughline". Right now I think it's reading soemthing like this:

"it's a story about a boy who wants to get to the moon, he gets help from his friend and she storms off or w/e, he goes off by himself, almost touches the moon, but falls, friend rescues him, and he sips hot chocolate with his friend on a roof"

That's our main throughline, I think maybe after "but falls", primitively it should be something like:

"almost touches the moon, but falls, friend rescues him, try again together, gets to the moon"

again though, maybe it shouldn't be "he gets to the moon"

metaphorically, he should and I know that's what you wanted to do with the cup of hot chocolate, and I feel it works, but maybe it is missing that "big ending".

Like in the McDonald interview with PaperWings though, I do feel like maybe that gesture of her giving him the coffee may in fact be enough. Like he was saying about the whole concentration camp and the apple story, how such a small gesture as him giving her the coffee could be very grand. But it's grand because of what's at stake.

I didn't tell them this, that the hot chocolate was a metaphorical "on the moon" moment, and maybe if they were to see it on the screen the would get it. So take all this "advice" with a grain of salt, maybe what we have is indeed "solid", or at least "solid enough".

I do think though that a lot is riding on that hot chocolate/bowl of water moment. So if that's going to be their "on the moon" scene, then it has to be very, very supported. I'm thinking maybe throughout the story we establish how much, and this is just a thought, how much she looooves hot chocolate so when she does give him her own cup of HC, it's like woah. Or maybe it's very cold outside, we think the HC is for her and she's visibly cold but instead she gives it to him.

Maybe go back to that idea you had about making that decision at the end, but switch it up to Sky. Where, maybe Sky actually wants to now invest in others and says something like, i dunno: "c'mon let's go down to the party" and she's like "you've never liked those" or she gives him a pleasantly surprised look and they head down, camera zooms as they join in, u-haul still there, as they join in the "going away" party.

I actually don't like that ending that much, but I feel it does have some elements of what we've talked about and we have a confirmation on the personal throughline where he changes for the better, he now wants to invest in others.

Since the question of "is it worth investing in others" goes both ways, sometimes it is sometimes, it's not, in life you have to gauge it and if something like someone moving away comes up, investing in others may seem like a total waste of time and may take away from shit that makes you "better", but, like genevieve says "I just want to spend some time with you".

So the answer lies in balance: "I just want to spend SOME time with you". I want to invest in you, but just sometime, not always because sometimes you do have to invest in yourself.

Maybe that whole hot chocolate thing can be after he "learns his lesson" so after he asks her to go down and partake in the event, maybe at the party she give him the hot chocolate and we see the moon, they hug, and bam, tilt up to moon.

One more thing, my sister asked what  age they were, I said around seven. I told her about the idea of making them do a time cut and turn into teens, but she didn't really like it.

Overall, I still do kinda like the mom VO as a disembodied voice kinda tormenting him as he's settling his thoughts after the fall. I feel like McDonald talks about, that's the audience's proxy into inquiry of the story, it, in a way, challenges the character, like..."wtf were you thinking man?". I do feel without that he's getting off kind of easy, so if not the mother's voice, SOMETHING needs to go in there. Also I don't feel like he really learns a lesson in the story at the end. This character isn't steadfast right? he first starts out "complacent" but that "call to action" turns him for the worse, challenges his morals and in the end he should come out a "better" person.

The way it is now like I said feels like, he still would maybe go tomorrow by himself and try that shit again. I think there needs to be something that shows, he's willing to invest in others, that he's willing to love even if it means "neglecting" is own "well-being".

So dunno, overall, good feedback, the ending not so hot. The ending I feel is totally valid, especially if you look at things like "Paisan", but the thing about that movies is that the "target" audience maybe already expects it to come, so if it ends open ended, that's cool, if not what makes it great. With our story though, and our "audience" it might disappoint many viewers.

So...dunno where you wan to take it. I feel if we board what we now have, it would at least be "competent" and not a "wtf did I just watch" film.