Hey Mike I've been thinking about this long and hard and I figured out how to make this short and sweet and still hold the same meaning and actually I feel like its even better because now its just between them without all of this sidetrack story. We start the scene at when they are 14 and this story will take place in I'm guessing the time period is a week (it really doesn't matter). So I've looked through the story spine and redid it in that fashion but still keeping some of the stuff that we worked on. The big change is that Genevieve is forced to move outside of Wanacreville and Sky is in a rush to realize both their dreams (technically his dream because her dream is just to be with him). That is the twister the uncontrollable incident that forces them/him to take action. But this is where our story differs slightly he becomes obsessed over achieving this goal subconsciously its for her but hes viewing it in a logical way (so lead to argument climax etc...which we have) The ending stays the same but the beginning slightly changes.
So here in the story spine format
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once upon a time there lived a young boy by the name of Sky and a young girl name Genevieve.
Sky and Genevieve were the best est of best friends, they were inseparable.
And every night Sky & Genevieve would sneak out to the top of the roof to gaze at the moon and stars, wishing that one day they would be able to go there together .
But one day Genevieve finds out that her family had to move out of their home in Wanacreville (insert whatever drama I'm thinking dad gets a new job outside of the small town). This saddens Sky and Genevieve a lot.
And because of this Sky set off in a hurry to build a rocket ship in hopes of being able to fly to the moon before Genevieve had to go.
But soon he became engulfed and obsessed over the project and began to neglect the very core reason of why he did this in the first place.
Until finally he set off in his rocket ship alone and soon falling to his doom.
Sorry I've been m.i.a, in San Diego right now and my sister just moved in a couple days ago, so not much here, and I'm typing on an iPad. Think it'll be another week before I can really work on anything, so I understand if you go forward without me.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, like that you're following the spine, makes shit easier. Although the exposition seems long and the 2nd and third act feel short in the way you wrote, when boarded out it seems like it'll pan out to be the opposite way, which is perfect.
So it seems, what's the story about? It's about a little boy who is rather fond of this girl. But she's moving away! Oh no! Stakes have been raised! Before that they would always talk about going to the moon and shit, especially seeing news of the Apollo 13 on the tv, and even more after reading that book.
So now they have a legit reason to actually do something about it;to stay together. But that's not all, when she breaks the news to him, it's his birthday. So she gives him a moon suit she made modeled after the illustration from the book. Stakes have been raised! She took time to make this shit for him! Is he going to invest in her?
Next morning he begins building, trees fall, tools are gathered, blueprints are set out he's planned everything to get this going. But, oh no! Hes never been good at woodshop, he'd always be teased, especially by the Barquero bros. but he tries anyway, he fails, Genevieve though, comes over and helps out, she's really good at this.
Time starts running normally, they're building the ship! He's been gaining exp, reading other books, Genevieve suggests a design for the ship, he disagrees, he yells at her, she sets her tools down and leave, he doesn't even notice, and keeps working.
Next morning he's finished with the ship, even the Barquero bros are impressed, they especially like the specific design choice he made, but don't like the one thing Genevieve did contribute to the ship. He takes it out, it's fourth of July he's ready to go. Oblivious to genevieve's feelings, he asks her to go with him. Shes still mad, but, the moving trucks been there for a while, and she doesn't want to leave mad, any chance to invest In him before leaving
Now that she's moving a
Any chance to invest in him before leaving is worth it. They're approaching the ship, she notices he took away what little thing she contributed to it. She contributed so much time into this, into him, into the relationship, and he just removed it, fuck that, not worth the investment.
DeleteSo he thinks fuck her, she just wants the ship designed the way she thinks it should be designed. She leaves, it's fourth of July she's moving the next morning, she doesnt need this, BBQ, fireworks, Barquero bros and friends, all good.
He makes for the ship, begin climax.
Hes falling, he falls into the woods. All the kids see this after hearing the loud thump, but no one really cares, they're invested in themselves, Genevieve though...runs to the site. The suit she made him, actually had a high impact collision cushion built in along the seams. He's alright.
Cut to roof scene.
End
everything up till barquero bros is ok. thats a lot of stuff to try and show. About the woodshop stuff lets just say he doesn't have the strength to do e a this alone not that hes not good. So we can have a scene where hes either cutting something lifting something and he drops it or fails at it and she helps him almost like lifting him up this can be done in the montage. For now lets leave the barquero bros out. the 2nd and third act seems short because i didn't change it from what we had earlier. Just how we are getting there is different. The reason that i was searching for before was supposed to be her in the first place but somehow went around it so i brought it back to it just being about them. I'm working on a prod.pipeline for this so we have a schedule.
ReplyDelete